Sylvie's birth was heaven on earth.
it was also frightening, traumatic & mind blowing. Those are the best words I can think of to describe it. It challenged every part of me. Every. last. inch. It involved the highest highs & the lowest of lows. Pushed me to the very tip of the edge & I'm honestly not sure how I didn't fall off. It shook Vaughn & I to the core.
The few months leading up to Sylvie's due date, I kept getting a recurring feeling that something was going to happen. Something bad. A knot in my stomach, a nagging feeling. As though God was trying to mentally prepare me for what was to come. The feelings were very strong & distinct. It actually scared me & naturally I began to think the worst..
After my successful unmedicated birth with Violet, I knew I would go that same route again.
For me, there is nothing in this world like an unmedicated birth. It is honestly incredible, marvelous & empowering. I can't even put it into words. The hardest two experiences I have ever gone through.
I felt like a champion after giving birth this way & as cheesy as it sounds, I am one of my own hero's. Violet & Sylvie's births have been the most amazing experiences I’ve ever had in my life. I've honestly come to love birth & am very passionate about it. It is so empowering.
I have also asked myself countless times why I didn’t educate & prepare myself more with Ava and Kate's births. They were still good in their own way but, I hardly knew a thing when it came to labor & delivery. I had an epidural with both Ava & Kate but, now looking back, I 100% regret that decision. Epidurals are totally great for most people but, for me personally, I'd rather labor without one. There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting an epidural, they're a fantastic option for those who don't experience negative side effects.
This pregnancy I decided to attend the Curtis Method Hypnobirthing class. Amazing! I had heard incredible things about it & knew it was what I wanted to do. It was a 2.5 hour round trip drive so Vaughn and I made it a date night each week. It was well worth the drive. The fascinating & wonderful information/skills we learned are priceless.
The class comes with lots of resources & tools for preparing for labor & delivery. Including positive birth affirmations & calming music which I listened to almost every day for a couple of months prior to her birth.
She even teaches a daddy doula course in the class & I can't say enough good things about it. Highly recommend for an unmedicated birth but, the class is for any type of birth. I believe everyone should take her class. worth every penny!
My due date was October 8th & I knew I would go past her due date. I just knew it. I have never gone into labor on my own, I’ve always been induced. I was partly stressing because I didn’t want her to come on Ava’s birthday which is the 12th. I wanted them to have their own special day. I had told Christy, my midwife In the months leading up to October that I didn’t want to be induced this time but, i ended up deciding last minute (on Ava’s birthday) that I would go in the next day to be induced.
Labor and delivery were very busy that week and the only options left to schedule an induction were the 13th, 18th or 19th. The 18th and 19th seemed incredibly far away at that point because I was so done being pregnant. Also those are the exact dates of our niece and nephew’s birthdays. So October 13th it was.
labor & delivery called me to confirm my induction & let me know to come at 7:00 am the following morning. They said they may call & ask us to come in a bit earlier or later depending on how busy or not busy they were.
That day on Ava's birthday, I was feeling pretty disheartened because I had wanted so badly to experience going into labor on my own. But I definitely stayed distracted while celebrating Ava.
I went to bed that night feeling anxious, excited, extremely nervous, the whole bit. To my shock, surprise and delight, my prayers were answered when contractions started on their own around 5:30 am. They started lightly but, semi-quickly progressed to me knowing this was probably the real deal. they were getting stronger and weren’t going away. I have never experienced this on my own so it was thrilling.
The hospital ended up calling at 4:00 am but I didn’t hear it so I missed the call. They wanted us to come in at 6:00 am. In fact, I didn’t even hear my alarm I had set to wake up at 5:00. So when the contractions started, I finally woke up around 6:15.
I slightly panicked when I noticed the time! I still hadn't packed my hospital bag (procrastinator) & I was going to shower, get ready, the whole bit. I had 35 minutes to get all that done. The hospital is a 20 minute drive so needless to say, we were late. We checked into labor & delivery at 7:24 am.
I texted Makenzie, my doula to let her know we just arrived at the hospital & we'd let her know when to come.
We got the remainder of the paper work done, I gave them my birth plan sheet, got my wrist bands on & then the nurse took us to our room. It was regular room which was fine because I was leaning toward not laboring in the tub this time. They have one natural birthing room with the tub & that's where I had Violet. I secretly was very nervous to step into that room again due to the trauma & ptsd I associated that room with so I was okay with a regular room instead.
I brought my own robe to labor in & was while I was changing a knock came at the door. The nurse said she didn't realize that I was planning an unmedicated birth & that she will take us to the natural birthing room.
Vaughn knew I was nervous about going back into that room so he asked if I was okay with that & if even wanted to switch rooms. I decided I better just in case I wanted to try the birthing tub.
I was okay when I walked in but, the feelings & emotions from Violet's birth came flooding back. I was so nervous. This time, I knew what I was getting myself into & I knew it was going to challenge every part of me. I looked at that bed & tub & immediately got a knot in my stomach. I knew things were about to get real.
I was still experiencing contractions this whole time but, they were barely noticeable on the pain scale.
We got settled in & by now it was 8:30 am. I was dilated to a 3. The nurses did the 20 minute monitor & confirmed that I indeed was in labor & experiencing contractions on my own. I decided to hold off on the pitocin for an hour. We talked about how Violet's labor was 11 hours so we fully expected this time around to be less than that. So we thought for sure this little one was coming by early evening. I know there are never any guarantees when it comes to labor & delivery but, I had no idea what I was in for.
Meanwhile, my mom & my sister, Abbie came to visit. It was really nice to have them there to support me.
Around 10:00 am, contractions were still pretty inconsistent, coming every 2-5 minutes. They were like a 3 on a pain scale. Totally bearable.
Due to the iv fluids, I was having to get up & go the restroom every 30-45 minutes.
Things were progressing slow (no surprise given my past labors) We let Makenzie know to come around 1:30 pm
Somewhere during this time, I got started on a low drip of pitocin to help things along.
I wanted the girls to come visit me that afternoon so they could be included & experience a little bit of the labor part. That was fun to have them there for a bit.
I was a bit of a rebel by hospital standards & snacked on & off during labor. Strawberries, granola & sparkling water.
I really wanted a dimly lit room for laboring & also for delivery. The atmosphere was very peaceful & calming. We had my Himalayan salt lamp & some moody twinkle lights strung up. Dim lighting was on my birth plan & I was very adamant about this. With Violet’s birth there were all kinds of lights up in my face when it became go time. I really hated that. My midwife was very supportive of the dim lighting.
I had educated myself even more than I did with Violet & had a very specific & detailed birth plan. I had decided I was not going to have my water broken this time, I wanted it to happen on it's own.
Makenzie arrived & I was so happy to have her there. She has become a great friend to me through Violet's birth & throughout my pregnancy with Sylvie. I could not have made it through without her support.
My cousin Kyr, uncle Don & aunt Cathi came to visit & support me during early labor. It was so nice to have them there too.
Labor was slowly progressing. I stayed active & upright though, bouncing on the birthing ball, leaning against the (fully upright) back of the bed, endless laps of walking the halls, standing & swaying. each moment was getting me closer & closer to meeting my baby. I had my birth affirmations & music on in the background.
After a while, I decided I wanted to try some more energetic music. I've always wanted to labor to Katy Perry's "Roar". haha, Its the perfect song & lyrics for labor.
When it came down to go time, I was definitely "roaring" my baby out, as you'll see in the video at the end.
also on my playlist- The Greatest Showman soundtrack, Bob Marley, Queen & some Coldplay.
By evening, I was getting a bit discouraged because I fully expected to have given birth already. But, I was still only dilated to 5. Contractions were starting to wear on me & I was so tired.
We kept trying different laboring positions for me, staying active, trying to use gravity to get this baby show on the road.
Vaughn was my everything during all this. He seriously rocked the daddy doula title. I was blown away by his love & support. his words of encouragement meant everything to me and I can’t tell you how much I needed to hear those words. “You’ve got this”, “you’re doing it”, “you’re almost there”, “I’m so proud of you”, “you’re so strong”.
Vaughn and Makenzie provided all the backrub’s, knee presses, massages and anything I needed.
14 hours in, 10:00 pm I was not really progressing & dilated to a 7. I went in to use the restroom & came out to Vaughn & Makenzie lovingly suggesting that maybe I try an epidural to get me to relax. I declined. I didn't come this far & work this hard to cave in, to go against my birth goals.
This is about the time when I felt something really special &
sacred.
I was kneeling while leaning on the head of the bed between contractions when I literally felt the presence of angels holding me up & helping me get through this. Specifically my
beloved Grandma Sue & Great Grandmother, Sylvia.
There were a host of many others I could feel there as well.
many.
Makenzie felt them too. I still get chills thinking about it. "you have ALOT of people on your side, can you feel them?' she said.
I know what I felt & will never forget that warm,comforting, supportive, full of love feeling. All those angels on the other side, helping Sylvie get here safely.
it was glorious.
When I realized that my grandma Sue wouldn't be there This time around for Sylvie's birth, it didn’t feel right. She was always there for me. Always excited & ready to stay all night long if needs be at my girls' births.
But then I realized she was present at her birth. She was there all along. That knowledge brought me so much peace.
My mother-in-law sent us a video of the girls encouraging me “you can do it mom!!” It was so cute & gave us a good laugh.
about an hour later, my midwife asked if I wanted to try pushing.
I tried using the squat bar above the bed, hands & knees, leaning on Vaughn, we tried all sorts of crazy positions & ideas. Nothing seemed to be working. I felt frustrated. Defeated. But tried to remain positive. I was in so so so much pain. These incredibly intense contractions were coming regularly & every minute but, there was not much to show for them. They felt like useless contractions. I was utterly exhausted.
This is when the severe back pain showed up. The dreaded back labor. I'd never really experienced it before.
I was in tears it hurt so bad.
My midwife checked me to see what was going on. I was so focused & out of it that I can't remember her saying that Sylvie was positioned sunny side up (posterior)
{posterior labor tends to be slower and more painful. In particular, the mother will often experience severe back pain during labor, and sometimes this pain persists even between contractions. This is because the back of the baby (baby's head)is directly against the woman's back.}
the second strike I had going against me was an anterior cervical lip. See below.
{As the cervix gets near full dilation, sometimes you have a bit of cervix on one side that is still present, while not on the other side. This is called a cervical lip or lip of cervix. This is most commonly an anterior lip, which is thought to happen when the cervix gets caught between the pelvis and the baby's head.}
So both of these factors were inhibiting progress as well.
in short- she was basically stuck. All of my pushing efforts were not getting me much of anywhere.
My midwife then had to "manually reduce"
{This is done by forcibly moving the lip of the cervix over the baby's head to allow the baby to come down further. This can take more than one contraction.} She did this countless times during each contraction & it was so painful.
After what seemed like a torturous hour of this & still not much progress, My midwife told the nurse to call the doctor on staff so they could make a game plan.
An emergency C-section was tossed around for a few minutes & I freaked. Then the vacuum option got brought up.
But then, a miracle.
before any of those emergency plans got put into action, my pushing efforts began to pay off.
I originally had written in my birth plan that I wanted to breath my baby down, letting my body take over (the fetal ejection reflex) Which I experienced with Violet. It was amazing.
I Didn't want to hold my breath to a count of ten to push. Unfortunately This plan wasn’t possible with how she was positioned. She wasn’t just coming out on her own.
Only I had the power to get her out so purple pushing it had to be. I have never pushed so hard in all my life. I truly thought my face would explode. I was begging someone to "please just get her out".
I just wanted her out so badly, the pain was too much to bear.
Agony is a better word for it.
I had wanted to birth in Whatever position I chose and whatever felt best/most comfortable for me. I thought that might be an upright position but, when it came down To it , None of those positions were right. I ended up sitting semi-reclined in the bed.
This time I didn't even feel the ring of fire nearly as intense this time. probably because the agony had taken over my entire body. There was lots of screaming going on.
All the while, Vaughn nestled up to the side of my face, cheering me on, "she's coming out, you're okay, you're safe, you're doing it!"
Pushing, roaring, screaming, breathing, agony.
mind.blown.
And then all of a sudden.. just like that, I did it.
1:26 am. 7 lbs 1 oz.
Sylvie came into this world after 18 hours of labor.
My perfect, beautiful baby, fresh from heaven.
She was worth every last ounce of my suffering.
She was immediately put on my chest, I cried & held her close.
time stood still. I couldn't believe I actually did it.
I cried for the first time giving birth. I wept because I could finally physically hold her. I wept because I was so relieved it was finally over. I wept for the difficult
pregnancy I experienced & I wept for every single thing that brought me to this magnificent, heavenly moment.
Things were quiet for a moment as I snuggled & loved on my newborn. I was still out of breath & in pain though.
the placenta came without any difficulty. I was asked if I wanted to look at it. I said yes.
It's an amazing organ.
My strong, tough uterus had been the “little engine that could” all
through these 18 hrs but, I think it had reached its breaking point & it completely gave out on me. I don’t blame it, I would’ve too.
I began hemorrhaging. I was still struggling from what I just went through that I didn't hear it but, everyone else heard it.
blood gushing, like a river. Vaughn said he was terrified when he saw & heard it. So.much.blood. My midwife immediately went into action.
She tried manually massaging my uterus to get it to stop hemorrhaging, aka shoving her arm up there & physically squeezing my uterus (cue screaming again in agony). It wasn't working.
She quickly called for the nurse to get medication to help. She stuck me in the left side of the thigh with a needle. I honestly didn’t even feel it due to the amount of pain I was & had been in.
I was in & out of it, felt like I was having an out of body experience. The shot kicked in & at some point, I finally stopped hemorrhaging. I was on the verge of almost needing a blood transfusion but, a miracle came again & I was spared.
Next came the postpartum shivering that I always get really bad after giving birth.
My teeth were chattering uncontrollably as though I just stepped outdoors into sub-zero weather without a coat. And the 10 blankets piled on top of me were not near enough.
What followed shortly after the shivering & what I was not expecting were the convulsions my body went into.
My entire body & muscles were uncontrollably seizing & contracting. then they would relax for a few seconds & then start all over. rapidly and repeatedly. I couldn't stop it, I couldn't control it. I was even making growling like sounds with my voice that I could not control each time my body convulsed.
Poor Vaughn was scared to death of what he was witnessing & all that he had just witnessed.
A day later, I was told that he honestly thought he was going to lose me. Not once but, several times. He told me he never wants to put me through that or see me go through that ever again.
He was just as traumatized as I was watching helplessly from my side.
Eventually the convulsions & shivers calmed, then subsided.
I was wheeled over to to my recovery room, all the while, feeling incredibly nauseated & thinking I might get sick. I also had a fever so the nurses had to keep a strict watch over that.
I was more exhausted than I have ever been in my life. I couldn't speak, couldn't keep my eyes open, couldn't move. My voice & throat were so hoarse & painful from all the intense breathing, screaming & growling from the last 18 hours. It also felt drier than the desert in Death Valley.
We had LOTS of visitors the next couple of days. Family & friends.
I was grateful for all of the love & support.
We had to remain on the hospital for 2 & 1/2 days. Sylvie’s jaundice levels were too high & she hadn’t had a bowel movement so we couldn’t leave until she did so.
We finally got to go home at 10:00 pm on October 16th.
I still struggle & have a hard time thinking about her birth & all the trauma that it was. Postpartum recovery was ROUGH. The day after we brought Sylvie from the hospital, I literally felt like I had been beaten senseless or had been hit by a bus. Actually it felt like both. I sobbed from the pain, the crazy postpartum hormones, the raw, painful feeling nursing brings, the depression & all that I had been through.
Sylvie & I were without a doubt, watched over & kept safe. All the prayers were felt & contributed to the many miracles we experienced that day.
But after all was said & done, I would do it all over again. She was & is so worth it.
and here it is! her beautiful birth story film that I can't seem to keep the tears at bay every time I watch.
Sylvie Colette McFarlane from Bailee Hammond on Vimeo.
& this cherished video I debated sharing but, ended up choosing to because it depicts a small fraction of exactly what my experience was like.
I should warn though,- Although fairly modest, it still depicts a live birth, that & the audio could be triggering to some.
It is very raw, very real & gets pretty intense.
