April 6th,
2017
1:45 pm
7 lbs 13 oz
1:45 pm
7 lbs 13 oz
This little
baby pushed me to limits I didn’t know I could be pushed to.
Today I
experienced such highs &lows.
Everything from desperate loneliness to the
animalistic instinct to survive to the wonderful gift of companionship of those
who held me up when I couldn’t go on alone.
Today I experienced something
sacred, terrifying & incredible.
God is good.
Early on
this pregnancy I decided I wanted to try for a natural birth. I’ve had not so
good experiences with epidurals & for me, those negative side effects outweighed
the pain of laboring natural. I buried myself in research of unmedicated birth
books, articles, videos, you name it. I chose hypnobirthing to get me through
labor & delivery. At 30 weeks, Vaughn & I attended the 6 week long class
together. Amazing program & info. Vaughn even enjoyed it.
I had my last pregnancy appointment with my midwife, Christy
at the end of March. Dilated to a 2. She had originally scheduled me for an
induction date of April 7th. Then at this last appointment, I talked
her into changing the date & letting me go in on the evening of April 5th.
I literally could not take being pregnant even for one more day So to the
hospital we went on the 5th at 9:30 pm.
With my written birth goals in hand, we checked in with the
labor & delivery. I told them I would like to have the natural birthing
room & a nurse who is experienced in unmedicated labor & deliveries.
They had to monitor baby for 20 min before they could start
pitocin (the drug that artificially starts labor/contractions). Well, miss
Violet wasn’t having that. It took over 3 hours to get a consecutive 20 minute
monitor on her because she would not hold still long enough. She was constantly
moving. The nurses all said they have never in their lives seen such an active
baby. They were in & out of the room probably 20 times in that 3 hours to
attempt to get a reading on her. Finally they got the monitoring complete & it’s nearly 2:00 am by this point. just barely starting the pitocin. Vaughn
& I attempt to get some sleep. He slept for a few hours, I (mostly) didn’t.
4:00 am, I was dilated to a 3+. Still tried to get rest but,
I was terribly uncomfortable. Those dang hospital beds plus being in labor
don’t mix.
7:00 am Christy came in & said I was dilated to a 4 but,
hadn’t really made much progress through the night. She said if she broke my
water, things would start to really progress. I said “lets do it”. It was very uncomfortable & weird. Vaughn
was still sleeping at this point. He groggily woke up at the end of it &
said “wait, did she just break your water?”
This is when I really noticed the “overly abundant amniotic
fluid” Like whoa. It was a non-stop raging river. They had to change the
bedding not once but, twice. And I had to tell Christy, who was sitting on the
end of the bed that she was about to get wet when I noticed it raging down the
bedside toward her. Oh my goodness. enough about that.
Dilated to a 4. Things were beginning to get a bit more
interesting. Around 7:30 am my mom & little sister, Abbie showed up. I was
glad to have them there. Although, I think the experience freaked Abbie out.
Around this same time, Vaughn texted our doula to ask her to
head over to the hospital.
8:00 am, my amazing doula, Makenzie arrived. I was feeling
uncomfortable but, nothing that I couldn’t easily manage. Makenzie came pumped
up & ready to go. I loved it. She had some pain relieving & relaxation
techniques that worked so good. My favorite was the knee pressure technique.
She would use her hands to press her body weight onto my knees. As weird as it
sounds, it helped relieve the pain & pressure quite a bit.
By this time, I’m dilated to a 6. I brought relaxing music
to play but, all I wanted was Bob Marley. It helped me relax so much, haha! I
pictured myself on a warm, tropical beach laying in the sand & listening to
the waves. Marley really helped me get through that middle stage of labor. In
the natural birthing suite, they had recently added a laboring tub. I knew I
wanted to get in there at some point & try it. McKay-Dee hospital does not
allow water births but, you are allowed to labor in it.
Things were getting more intense now & I was really
needing to put my practiced hypnobirthing breathing to good use. Dilated to a 7.
I asked the nurse to get the tub ready. It took about 30 minutes to fill up
half way. Makenzie helped me take off my gown & put my bathing suit top on.
Still attached to the Pitocin, she & Vaughn walked me over to the tub. 10
minutes later, the reality of what I’d gotten myself into really began to
settle in. This was no joke, like the pain was fierce & unbelievable. I’ve
never felt pain anywhere near that degree. I don’t know if the water relaxed me
so much or what but, it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks.
I was in transition (the last phase of labor that is the shortest but the most intense) I think I dilated from a 7 to a 9 within two minutes. The Pitocin was causing the contractions to come on top of each other & I wasn’t getting a break in between. The contractions were all consuming that I couldn’t even remember my breathing exercises or anything I had practiced & studied. I put my arms up & leaned on the tub. I told Makenzie that I couldn’t do it anymore, I needed the anesthesiologist stat. She quickly told the nurse the change in plans.
I was in transition (the last phase of labor that is the shortest but the most intense) I think I dilated from a 7 to a 9 within two minutes. The Pitocin was causing the contractions to come on top of each other & I wasn’t getting a break in between. The contractions were all consuming that I couldn’t even remember my breathing exercises or anything I had practiced & studied. I put my arms up & leaned on the tub. I told Makenzie that I couldn’t do it anymore, I needed the anesthesiologist stat. She quickly told the nurse the change in plans.
They had to get me out of the tub so I could get back on the
bed to receive the epidural. I somehow managed to get back to the bed. Not sure
how that happened actually. everything that was happening to my body once I got
back into the bed was indescribable. I felt like I was being obliterated by
waves to the point of drowning to death. This is where I started to completely
lose control. I don’t even have the words. I told Vaughn & Makenzie “I
think I’m dying”. I truly believed that.
I don’t think I’ve experienced loneliness to that degree before nor such an intense longing for a responsibility to not be mine. I wanted so badly for the cup of childbirth to be passed to someone else. Vaughn, Makenzie, my mom, Abbie, all the nurses, Christy, they were all there but, they couldn’t do the work for me. God used that very moment to reveal more of Jesus’ heart to me. I understood Christ’s atonement & that time in His life better than I ever have before. His suffering was not without purpose. And my suffering was not without purpose. It would have a very rewarding outcome. This is one of the experiences I treasure most about Violet’s birth.
There were so many people in the room at this point & I didn’t even care. I had arrived to that point where pain over takes your dignity & you could care less. Just get through the pain is the only thing you can focus on. I felt like I was in another world. The anesthesiologist took about 15 minutes to arrive. He wheeled that cart in just as Christy was checking my progress. She said, “Ash, you’re a 10! You’re ready to push. You’re almost done. Do you want to try without the epidural?”.
I thought about it for a second. Vaughn & Makenzie reminded me that "you got this, you can do it". All my hard work & prep with the hypnobirthing came flooding back into my mind & I felt an unseen force bring motivation back. I said “okay, I’ll try”. The anesthesiologist left the room.
Seconds later, my body bore down involuntarily. It was a feeling & reaction I could not control. This reaction also made me voice an involuntary animalistic growling along with my body bearing down. It was so crazy how my body just knew what to do. Vaughn, my mom, Christy & Makenzie were all coaching me, cheering me on. I tried pushing & doing so eased the pain of the contraction just by the tiniest bit. I was motivated by that tiny bit of relief that I pushed some more, a little harder.
It was then that I could feel the pressure of Violet’s head for the first time. I felt her coming down the birth canal. The only words I can use to describe that feeling is hot, burning, searing & intense, similar to the worst rug burn of your life. Makenzie later told me that I didn’t even squeeze her hand at all.
I don’t think I’ve experienced loneliness to that degree before nor such an intense longing for a responsibility to not be mine. I wanted so badly for the cup of childbirth to be passed to someone else. Vaughn, Makenzie, my mom, Abbie, all the nurses, Christy, they were all there but, they couldn’t do the work for me. God used that very moment to reveal more of Jesus’ heart to me. I understood Christ’s atonement & that time in His life better than I ever have before. His suffering was not without purpose. And my suffering was not without purpose. It would have a very rewarding outcome. This is one of the experiences I treasure most about Violet’s birth.
There were so many people in the room at this point & I didn’t even care. I had arrived to that point where pain over takes your dignity & you could care less. Just get through the pain is the only thing you can focus on. I felt like I was in another world. The anesthesiologist took about 15 minutes to arrive. He wheeled that cart in just as Christy was checking my progress. She said, “Ash, you’re a 10! You’re ready to push. You’re almost done. Do you want to try without the epidural?”.
I thought about it for a second. Vaughn & Makenzie reminded me that "you got this, you can do it". All my hard work & prep with the hypnobirthing came flooding back into my mind & I felt an unseen force bring motivation back. I said “okay, I’ll try”. The anesthesiologist left the room.
Seconds later, my body bore down involuntarily. It was a feeling & reaction I could not control. This reaction also made me voice an involuntary animalistic growling along with my body bearing down. It was so crazy how my body just knew what to do. Vaughn, my mom, Christy & Makenzie were all coaching me, cheering me on. I tried pushing & doing so eased the pain of the contraction just by the tiniest bit. I was motivated by that tiny bit of relief that I pushed some more, a little harder.
It was then that I could feel the pressure of Violet’s head for the first time. I felt her coming down the birth canal. The only words I can use to describe that feeling is hot, burning, searing & intense, similar to the worst rug burn of your life. Makenzie later told me that I didn’t even squeeze her hand at all.
I had been pushing for about 5 minutes when the “ring of
fire” presented itself. They weren’t kidding when they named it that.
Thankfully that part was over pretty quick & then I felt her head literally
pop out. The craziest feeling. A minute later her body followed & she was
finally here in my arms!
The pain of the contractions was instantly gone. What
relief. Only the pain from her decending down the birth canal remained. I was
still in shock from it all. I couldn’t believe it was over. I was able to
accomplish my goal of a completely unmedicated birth. I actually did it. The whole
birthing process with empowering. I felt like a super hero.
She was placed on my chest immediately. The room was totally
filled to the brim with the spirit & love was abundant. I could instantly
tell this was an extra special girl who has some amazing things in store. She
was absolutely beautiful! Lots of thick, black hair & pink chubby cheeks. Instant
pure love. I had no idea but, my mom & Vaughn said that everyone in the
room, including all nurses were teary eyed from what they just witnessed. I begged for some pain reliever for that awful “rug
burn feeling”.
Ava & Kate & my mother in law, Janet arrived 20 minutes later. I was still in shock, in pain, my legs were uncontrollably shaking & I was out of breath. It was a happy moment to see my girls meet their new sister, it was the sweetest. They were instantly in love & still fight over who gets to hold her next.
It was a top 5 best day of my life. I am so glad that I was able to have a natural labor & birth. It was completely worth it. I felt so good about an hour after she was born. I wasn’t passed out & drugged up, I was even up walking around with hardly any pain. I was all there mentally & it felt good to be in control. It was amazing. Crazy how different the recovery was this time around compared to when I had epidurals with Ava & Kate’s births. Night & day difference. For me, after experiencing the natural side of birth, I will never return to the epidural side :) Later that night & the next next day Vaughn kept saying thatthis whole natural labor & delivery experience was the neatest, spiritual, craziest experience of his life. It was all that & more for me as well.
We left the hospital the next day at 5:00 pm on April 7th. It was a beautiful, sunny spring day. I was feeling so good & we just wanted to get home to settle in.
Violet is the most heavenly baby. She has been from the moment she was born. She is truly a joy & a treasure. She brings us so much peace & happiness to our family.
And get ready for the mother load of photos!
*some of these images contain labor & birth scenes (non graphic) so just be aware of that.
