I still can't get over the fact that I'm a mommy now.
I'm so grateful for our little sweetheart who made me a mommy, I love her so much.
just looking at these photos of her birth, the day I became a mommy for the first time, makes me fall in love all over again.
That day, every detail, every moment will forever be dear to my heart.
she is the most precious, pretty thing I've ever laid eyes on.
What a beautiful miracle she is.
(I can't believe how puffy and swollen my face was in these hospital photos. That was the only part of me that swelled up my entire pregnancy, why did it have to be my FACE?!)
anyway..
we have so much fun together
Motherhood/parenthood is a wonderful blessing but, it's also a lot more challenging and difficult than I ever thought possible.
Needless to say, we've had some challenging moments in this journey of becoming parents for the first time.
The first 4 months were really hard for me (and Vaughn) to adjust to having a baby around. We were used to it being just the two of us. I would get so frustrated when Ava would scream for long periods of time and there was nothing I could do to help or comfort her so I would cry (or scream) right along with her.
I was set and determined to breast feed her for the first 6 months. However, I was only able to breastfeed for 2 months. This is a really difficult subject for me to talk about. Many, many tears were shed in the whole process. One of my favorite things I did when I would breastfeed Ava was to whisper in her ear, "mommy loves you". She would look up at me with her big, heavenly beautiful blue eyes and that innocent angel face and I would just melt. Oh, just thinking about it makes me emotional. I love her so much.
Let me just say that breastfeeding is NOT easy, it is extremely hard. I thought it would come so naturally but, that was not the case. I desperately wish that I could have done it longer. It makes me feel like a bad mother that I wasn't able to for very long. I feel like I let Ava down. I felt like other mothers would look down on me for not breastfeeding my baby and I wanted to tell them that I desperately wanted to, I tried everything, I tried so hard.. My body just had a really hard time and Ava would cry because she was having a hard time too.
I blame most of it on not being able to hold her at all for the first 4 hours of her life. I was literally passed out and didn't know what was going on so there is no way I could have held her.
I hate that I couldn't hold her.
When I woke up around 3:00 am, I remembered my baby and I wanted to hold her immediately. So Vaughn called for the nurse to bring her from the nursery. I wanted to snuggle with her in my bed and just lay there with her next to me. Vaughn was really hesitant because he thought I would roll over on her, which I wouldn't have. So I compromised and said I wanted her to lay next to me for 10 minutes.
That first night in the hospital was so far from what we were used to. Poor Vaughn was out of it too. Having to sit sleep on those hospital chair beds. I woke up in the middle of the night needing to use the restroom in a mad way. I paged the nurse to come help me because the epidural was still wearing off so I needed help to walk. I waited in extreme discomfort for 5 minutes but, still no nurse. I couldn't wait a minute longer so I shouted over to Vaughn that I needed his help. By then I was already standing, using the bed to help me stand. As I took a step, blood went everywhere. All over the floor.
To further explain this story, let me just describe in one word how Vaughn acts when he's awakened from sleep: crazy.
Not in a mean way but, in a he-has-no-clue-what-the-heck-is-going-on way.
Vaughn was absolutely distraught.
To the point where it was almost comical. It's hilarious now!
He wasn't mad at me in any way, he just could not believe that there was a mess on their floor.
How were we going to clean this up? Where were the paper towels? Where was the cleaner? How were we going to explain this one to the nurses? He kept saying these things over and over and pacing back and forth. I almost had to slap him back to reality. This is what the nurses do, they will take care of it. We don't have to clean it up, don't worry.
By now, I was getting embarrassed and appalled that I had made this mess and I really wanted to help them clean it. I just kept apologizing but, they were so sweet and acted like it was the most normal thing in the whole world. Alright then?
Although it wasn't at the time, it's such a funny memory now!
Here we are with sweet baby Vivian (Kyr's 3rd girl) who was born on May 26th.
Ava looks big compared to her:
Look how sweet, their first photo together:
Dearest Ava,
even though your birth and the days and months following have been somewhat difficult and challenging, I would do it all over again in an instant.
I love you my beautiful baby daughter.
